When the Holidays Hurt: Navigating Loss & Family Disowning as an LGBTQ+ Person
The holidays are often portrayed as a season of togetherness, family traditions, and joyful reunions. But for many LGBTQ+ individuals, this time of year can be a harsh reminder of the people who are not gathering with them and the relationships that have been fractured, strained, or lost altogether.
Whether you’re grieving the death of a loved one, the loss of a partner, or the painful reality of being rejected or disowned by family, the holidays can stir deep emotional wounds. These wounds often reopen because the season shines such a bright light on belonging and what it feels like to live without it.
If you’re entering the holidays with grief, loneliness, or a complicated family story, please hear me:
Your experience is real. Your pain is valid. And you do not have to face it alone.
Below is guidance rooted in both clinical practice and lived experience to help you navigate this difficult season.
Honor the Grief You’re Carrying. All Forms of It
LGBTQ+ grief is often layered. You may be mourning:
A loved one who has passed away
A relationship that ended
A life you hoped for but haven’t reached
A family that could not accept you
A version of yourself who didn’t yet know how to survive
Holiday grief is not solely about death, it’s about absence, change, and what could have been.
Give yourself permission to feel everything
You don’t need to “be strong.” You don’t need to “act festive.” You don’t need to explain your sadness.
Your grief belongs to you, and it deserves room to breathe.
Try this grounding affirmation:
“My feelings are allowed. My grief is real. I’m worthy of comfort and care.”
Create Your Own Chosen Traditions
When family of origin relationships are strained or severed, you have the power to build a holiday season that reflects your values, your identity, and your needs.
Ideas for LGBTQ+ Affirming Holiday Rituals
Queer Ornament or Memory Shelf
Create a small display honoring people, relationships, or identities that shaped you. This can include:
Photos
Pride flags
Letters
Candles
Items that symbolize resilience
A “Chosen Family Eve”
Gather with friends, partners, or supportive peers for your own version of holiday comfort: pajamas, movies, warm food, games, or a theme night.
Chosen family traditions can become more meaningful than anything you grew up with.
A Self-Love Ritual
If you’re spending the day alone, choose an activity that nurtures your spirit, lighting a candle, treating yourself to a favorite meal, going for a scenic winter walk, journaling, or watching comfort movies.
This is not “settling.” This is healing.
“Grief doesn’t ask for permission. Neither does love”
Set Boundaries to Protect Your Peace
If you decide to attend family gatherings, tension may arise around identity, partners, pronouns, or politics. Boundaries can keep you emotionally safe.
Practical LGBTQ+ Holiday Boundaries
Conversation Boundary:
“I’m not discussing my gender or sexuality today. Let’s keep the conversation respectful.”
Time Boundary:
“I can only stay for two hours, then I’m heading out.”People Boundary:
If certain individuals are harmful, you may choose to limit or avoid time around them.Exit Strategy:
Always have your own transportation or a friend you can call if things become unsafe.
Remember:
Boundaries are not punishments. They are acts of self-love that protect your mental health.
Rewrite the Holiday Story You Were Given
For LGBTQ+ people who have been disowned or rejected, holidays often come with internal narratives like:
“I’m not wanted.”
“I don’t belong anywhere.”
“Everyone else has a normal family except me.”
These stories are painful, but they are not truths.
Try reframing them with intention:
Old Story: “My family doesn’t accept me.”
New Truth: “Their rejection reflects their limitations, not my worth.”
Old Story: “I don’t have a family.”
New Truth: “Family can be chosen, created, and grown over time.”Old Story: “I’m alone during the holidays.”
New Truth: “I’m learning to show up for myself in ways others couldn’t.”
Stay Connected to Safe People (Even Virtually)
You deserve people who affirm your identity and support your well-being.
If you don’t have that locally, connection can still happen through:
LGBTQ+ online spaces
Support groups
Virtual holiday meetups
Hotlines or crisis chats
Therapy sessions
Friendships in other states
Create a “Holiday Support Plan”
List 3 people you can reach out to if loneliness or grief hits unexpectedly.
This can include:
“Call ___ if I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
“Message ____ if I need grounding.”
“Play an online game with ____ if I need distraction.”
Connection of any kind reduces the emotional load.
Use Coping Skills That Bring Comfort and Regulation
The Chosen Family Visualization
Imagine a circle of people (real or imagined) who wholeheartedly accept you: elders, mentors, friends, or future partners.
Picture them warming the space around your heart.
Let them speak affirming words:
“You are loved. You are wanted here.”
The Weighted Blanket Method
Place a weighted blanket or heavy comforter on your chest while breathing slowly:
4 seconds in → 6 seconds out
This signals safety to the nervous system.
Write a Letter to the Family You’re Mourning
Whether they passed away or chose not to accept you, writing helps externalize and soften the pain.
Include:
What you wish you could say
What you’re grieving
What you’re proud of
What you’re choosing for your life now
This practice validates your internal experience and fosters emotional release.
Remind Yourself You Are Not Alone
LGBTQ+ people across the country navigate similar pain during the holidays.
That doesn’t make your grief smaller, but it does mean there’s community, solidarity, and understanding waiting for you.
You deserve:
Safety
Respect
Love
Belonging
Family (in whatever form it comes)
And you deserve a holiday season that doesn’t harm you.
A season designed on your terms.
Final Thoughts
Loss, rejection, and grief cut deeper during a season that promises connection and cheer. But your identity, your worth, and your belonging are not determined by who walked away.
You can build rituals that honor who you are.
You can surround yourself with people who cherish you.
You can create a holiday season that doesn’t shrink your light, but protects it.
Want Support?
If this season feels heavy, therapy can help you navigate the waves. You never have to do this alone, not in your holler, and not in your heart.
If this blog resonated with you, Counseling in the Holler, LLC is here to walk alongside you. I offer trauma-informed therapy rooted in mindfulness, DBT, and self-compassion. I also accept many major commercial insurances, KY medicare, and KY Medicaid (Passport, United Healthcare, and Wellcare).
