Tending to the Empty Chair: Navigating Grief and Loss During the Holidays
The holidays are saturated with memories, traditions, and the expectation of joyful connection. If you’re grieving, whether it’s the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or the fading of a life you once knew, this time of year can amplify the pain until it feels unbearable.
If your heart is aching this season, please know: your grief is valid, and you are not required to put on a “happy face” for anyone. What follows are four compassionate strategies for holding space for your loss while navigating the holiday haze.
1. Give Yourself the Gift of Choice (and the Grace to Change Your Mind)
In a time when you may feel like you’ve lost control, reclaiming choice feels like power. You have full permission to redefine what the holidays look like this year.
The “Opt-Out” Card
Decide what you are simply unable to do this year. Maybe you skip sending cards, choose not to decorate, or say a firm no to that huge holiday party. Your time and emotional reserves are precious, and grief is exhausting. Give yourself permission to save your energy for comfort, not obligation.
Modify, Don’t Martyr
You don’t have to choose between doing everything “the way you always have” or doing nothing at all. Instead, modify traditions:
If decorating the whole house feels too heavy, pick one tree or one room.
If hosting the big meal feels overwhelming, consider ordering catering, or joining someone else’s gathering.
This aligns with findings that grieving individuals benefit from being flexible with holiday traditions. (ABH Maryland)
The Exit Plan
If you choose to attend an event, plan an escape route. Drive yourself. Let someone you trust know you might leave early. Saying quietly to yourself: “If this gets too much, I will leave and that’s okay.” is a kind and wise move.
See supportive articles on holiday grief and stress to help with this pre-planning approach. (Grief.com)
2. Create Meaningful Rituals of Remembrance
Grief isn’t about “letting go” so much as learning to carry the love forward. Intentional ways to honor someone help integrate their memory into your present without forcing a false sense of cheer.
The Empty Chair Project
Select a beautiful, small place for your loved one at the holiday table or on your mantel. A photo, a candle, a book of theirs, an ornament that acknowledges their absence while affirming their ongoing importance.
A Gift of Service
Channel your grief into an act of compassion. Purchase a gift for a child in need, donate to a charity your loved one supported, or volunteer your time. Acts of service can counter isolation and helplessness. (VITAS)
Share the Story, Say the Name
Silence often deepens sorrow. If you're comfortable, designate a moment during your gathering for people to share a favorite memory or story of the person you miss. Saying their name out loud is healing. Research supports that honoring old traditions and creating new ones go hand in hand in grief-friendly holiday coping. (National Council on Aging)
3. Embrace the Emotional Wavelength
Grief doesn’t follow a calendar. It doesn’t pause for carols or lights. Instead, it often offers an emotional roller-coaster and the holidays tend to intensify the steep climbs and drops.
Allow for Emotional Multitasking
It’s completely normal (and healthy) to feel joy and sorrow simultaneously. You might laugh at a joke one minute and cry five minutes later. That doesn't mean you’re “better” or “worse”, it means you’re a whole person with a whole range of emotions. Experts note that acknowledging the complexity of your feelings is key to navigating holiday grief. (The Psychology Group Fort Lauderdale)
Beware of Substance-Based Numbing
The pull to dull the pain with extra alcohol, drugs, or over-eating may be strong. But numbing strategies often worsen the anxiety, loneliness, and depression that accompany grief during the holidays. Mindful practices offer a more authentic emotional reset. (For Others)
Write the Letter
If you are having trouble voicing your feelings, consider writing a letter to the person you lost. What you miss. What you wish you could say. How things feel without them this season. Therapeutic writing (especially during holidays) is recommended as a meaningful tool. (National Council on Aging)
4. Lean Into Your Support System
You don’t have to carry this weight alone. In fact, reaching out is one of the most courageous and healing steps you can take.
Ask for Specific Help
People often want to help but don’t know how. Make it easier on them:
“Would you sit with me for 20 minutes and watch a movie?”
“Could you take the kids shopping so I can have an hour of rest?”
Specific requests allow others to show up for you effectively. Studies emphasize the importance of concrete offers of assistance. (Mass General Brigham)
Find Your People
Connect with others who get what you’re going through. This might be:
A friend who’s grieving too
A specialized grief support group
A licensed therapist
Having a safe space to speak openly about your loss can be a lifeline.
“You can hold love and loss in the same space”
Final Thoughts
The holiday season will not look the same and that is okay. It’s okay to miss someone. It’s okay if “normal” feels impossible. Be kind. Be gentle. Let yourself live with your grief and your love in the same space.
If the sorrow feels too heavy, if you’re feeling isolated or wish you could disappear, that’s a signal. You absolutely deserve support. Reach out to a licensed therapist, a trusted friend, or your doctor. You don’t have to walk the holler alone.
Here’s to a season of tender remembrance, gentle self-care, and the kind of holler-healing that honors even the empty chair.
Want Support?
If this blog resonated with you, Counseling in the Holler, LLC is here to walk alongside you. I offer trauma-informed therapy rooted in mindfulness, DBT, and self-compassion. I also accept many major commercial insurances, KY medicare, and KY Medicaid (Passport, United Healthcare, and Wellcare).
Resources
Mayo Clinic Health System. (n.d.). Grief and loss through the holiday season. https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/grief-and-loss-throughout-the-holiday-season (Mayo Clinic Health System)
VITAS Healthcare. (n.d.). Coping with grief during the holidays. https://www.vitas.com/family-and-caregiver-support/grief-and-bereavement/holidays-and-grief/coping-with-grief-during-the-holidays (VITAS)
Rollings, A. D. (n.d.). Coping with grief during the holiday season. Allen Mortuaries. https://www.allenmortuaries.net/8-ways-to-cope-with-grief-during-the-holidays (Allen Mortuaries)
American Hospice & Palliative Care Organization. (n.d.). 6 tips for coping with grief during the holiday season. https://www.abhmaryland.com/handling-holiday-grief-for-the-first-time/ (ABH Maryland -)
National Council on Aging. (n.d.). 7 tips for navigating grief during the holidays. https://www.ncoa.org/article/7-tips-for-navigating-grief-during-the-holidays/ (National Council on Aging)
Headspace. (n.d.). How to cope with grief during the holidays. https://www.headspace.com/mindfulness/grief-during-the-holidays (Headspace)
Mass General Brigham. (n.d.). Grief during the holidays: How to cope. https://www.massgeneralbrigham.org/en/about/newsroom/articles/grief-during-the-holidays-how-to-cope (Mass General Brigham)
